Every single one of us forms beliefs about ourselves, about other people, and about the world around us. Here's the thing, we don't actually have much control over it when we're young. It starts the day we're born, in years we can't even consciously remember, before we could think clearly or make sense of anything that happened to us. That's exactly why those beliefs are often not even true.
Not all beliefs are bad
Sometimes you have positive experiences and they form really positive beliefs, we just don't tend to focus on those, because when something isn't causing us pain, we don't go looking for it. Health is a good example for me. I've never really held a limiting belief about my health because I grew up generally healthy, around a family that was generally healthy. We went to the doctor every year, and if an issue came up, we addressed it. My parents were generally pretty calm and proactive when we talked about it, and that fed into the belief I eventually formed about health. To be clear, for families who experience significant health issues, it is completely normal and okay to have big emotions about it, to talk about it, to have it be a significant part of your life. There is nothing wrong with that. I'm just using this as an example of how not having major issues led me to form pretty positive beliefs. Those experiences matter too. They quietly shape the lens you see that part of your life through.
A belief becomes a lens you forgot you had on
That's really what a belief becomes: a lens, like a pair of glasses you forgot you had on. We hold them about everything, such as achievement, schoolwork, money, relationships, our bodies, etc. The ones worth getting curious about are the ones quietly, or not so quietly, working against you.
I'll give you another personal one. When I was in middle school, I overheard a boy in my class make a comment about my body. From that one moment, along with other experiences and societal messages, I grew up believing that boys, and eventually men, were only interested in girls who looked a certain way, and that I wasn't desirable because I was curvier. Clearly, that was not a factual statement. My brain took that moment and built a belief out of it, and that belief shaped how I saw myself, how I viewed boys and men, and how I interacted with them for years.
I've done a lot of work since then, and the truth is, that belief doesn't affect me anymore. I love my body. I don't say that to say you'll get to a hundred percent, but you really can shift a belief so much that it stops running the show. It's like putting on a different pair of glasses. I see my body through a different lens now, and I experience things differently because of it.
The same moment, two completely different experiences
Here's how another belief may actually play out. Say you grew up with parents who worked a lot. They loved you, they provided for you, they did everything they could, but because of their schedule they weren't always there. Your young brain couldn't fully make sense of that, so it landed on something simpler, that something else mattered more than you, that you weren't a priority. Fast forward to now, and a friend cancels dinner last minute because something came up. If you're carrying that belief, you're going to experience that cancellation through it. You'll probably assume they didn't really want to see you, that something more important got in the way. Someone without that belief takes the exact same cancellation as completely neutral, no big deal, we'll reschedule. Same event, two totally different experiences. That's the lens.
You can shift out of them
So, pause for a second and actually ask yourself, what belief comes to mind first when I think about the ones that aren't helping me? Here's why it matters so much. Anything you're aware of, you can change. Once you can see the belief, you get to ask, is this serving me? Is this even true? If the answer is no to either of those, you can start to shift out of it.
Shifting it isn't about going back and erasing the past. It isn't about forcing yourself to believe something new either. It's mostly just being able to say, that belief came from an experience I had no control over. My brain made sense of it the only way it could back then, but now I know better. I no longer need to identify with this belief, and I don't have to carry it as the truth anymore.
If your childhood was harder
If your childhood was harder, if the people who were supposed to show up didn't, I want to be really clear. For some of you, this wasn't your brain misreading a situation. It was the reality you actually lived. Even then, it was never your fault, and it was never the truth about who you are. What happened to you was real, but it still does not get to define your worth. That doesn't mean you're any less important or valued.
That awareness is where everything starts. It's a big part of the work I get to do with people.
The Rose Colored Couch is here to inspire, encourage reflection, and educate, but these posts aren't a substitute for therapy. My hope is to help you shift how you see yourself and your story. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and be gentle with yourself along the way.
