I posted a carousel a few days ago about what you need to remember about boundaries, and it really seemed to resonate with people. I wanted to expand more on this, because I think boundaries are one of the most misunderstood topics when it comes to personal relationships and mental health in general.
One of my favorite quotes of all time that was displayed in my office for years is, "Boundaries are the distance at which I can love you and me simultaneously," by Prentice Hemphill. I love that quote because it names something so many people were never taught. A lot of us grew up believing that boundaries are bad, that saying no to someone is going to damage the relationship, that they'll be hurt or upset or think less of you, and that you're letting them down just by having a limit.
A boundary was never about loving the other person less. It's about being able to love them and still honor your needs and love yourself at the same time.
Boundaries aren't just "no"
When people hear "boundaries," they usually think of one thing: saying no. That is a very important boundary, but it's not the only kind.
There are physical boundaries, which involve your body and your physical space. It's not wanting to be touched by someone you don't know, or even someone you do know, if it's something you're not comfortable with. It could be a mom who loves her kids dearly but feels touched out, or someone who gets overstimulated easily and temporarily needs space from others, but it's not just about your body. It's about what your mind can handle too, whether that's touch, closeness, or needing space.
Physical touch is one of my top love languages, along with quality time. I love physical touch and closeness, and if I'm sad, a hug does wonders for me, but if I'm overstimulated in a public space with a lot of people, sometimes I just need to remove myself and go somewhere quiet where there's no one else around. That can also be a physical boundary. You can be someone who likes touch, but still have physical boundaries that are necessary for you and your well-being.
There are emotional boundaries, which I don't think get talked about nearly enough. An emotional boundary is recognizing that your feelings are separate and distinct from other people's feelings. Just because someone feels a certain way doesn't mean you have to also feel that way. You can have empathy for someone in their situation without absorbing what they're feeling as if it's happening to you too.
This is something I had to learn early on as a psychologist, which has helped me develop emotional boundaries in my personal life. They can be tricky though, especially with someone you are very close to. Sometimes parents put their feelings on their kids without realizing it, and sometimes siblings, friends, and other family members do the same. People can do it unintentionally, but you as an individual have to learn how to separate out someone else's emotions from yours.
Say your best friend has to move away and you feel really sad about it. They don't have to take on your sadness. They can acknowledge it and have empathy for it, without it turning into guilt about their decision and how it made you feel.
Then there are boundaries with yourself, which honestly, when you really break it down, is what all boundaries come back to. The boundary was never really with the other person. It was with yourself. It's whether you actually follow through. This is huge for the high achievers, the workaholics, the perfectionists, the people pleasers, because no one is going to close your laptop at 10pm because you've already worked enough and you need to relax. Your friends are also highly unlikely to decline your plans for you if they really wanted to see you and have no clue that you're absolutely depleted. So you have to be the one to recognize what your limits are, set that boundary with yourself, and actually stick to it.
Boundaries strengthen relationships, not weaken them
Once you change the meaning you've attached to boundaries, once you stop telling yourself that having one makes you a bad friend, a bad sister, a bad partner, a bad colleague, you start to see that boundaries actually let you honor your own needs while still caring for the other person.
Here's what I mean. There are going to be moments when someone asks something of you that you genuinely don't have the capacity for. Maybe you don't have it in you at that time, maybe you're depleted, or what they're going through is actually triggering something within you. You still care about them, you still want to show up, but if you push past that and show up anyway without acknowledging where you're actually at, it can end up being worse for both of you.
Think about it. You try to be there for someone, but you have nothing left to give, so you're not able to hold space the way you want to. Maybe something comes out of your mouth that isn't helpful because your capacity is limited, and now they feel worse instead of better. Then you feel guilty on top of it. Nobody wins there.
This is why I think it's important to check in with yourself, not just about your boundaries long term, but day to day. Some days your capacity is just lower. Maybe you didn't sleep well, work has been a lot, you're carrying something emotional. Ask yourself, what are my boundaries today, and give yourself permission to actually set them.
You are not the bad guy
I need you to hear this. Setting a boundary does not make you the bad guy. I promise. Even if the person on the other end pushes back or seems unhappy about it, that still doesn't make you the bad guy.
Sometimes people who love you will react negatively to the boundaries you set, and it's probably not malicious. It's not that they're trying to make you feel bad, although sometimes that happens too. Most of the time, it's simply that they're not used to it. They're used to you being available at all times. They're used to you adjusting your schedule to accommodate them. So when you set a boundary, it's a completely different experience for them, and sometimes people react to that shift before they adjust to it.
That doesn't mean you're wrong. Usually, the more consistently you set and maintain a boundary, the more people come to respect it over time. The people in your personal life who love and respect you will adjust to it, and they will respect it. I've seen that in my own life, and this goes professionally too. If someone doesn't come around, that becomes something you can address directly, and decide whether that relationship is worth maintaining.
If you know deep down this is what's best for you, and that it's actually going to benefit the other person too, people can feel that. They can also feel the opposite, so the more you can shift how you think about boundaries internally, the more naturally people will follow that shift too.
The discomfort doesn't mean it's wrong
It's going to feel uncomfortable at first, and that's okay. Your brain is always trying to protect you, and right now it is convinced that setting the boundary is dangerous. It probably thinks that it will cost you the relationship, or at the very least that someone will be mad at you, and it's going to feel like the end of the world, but it isn't.
The discomfort doesn't mean you're doing something wrong. It just means you're doing something your brain isn't used to yet. The more you practice it, the more familiar it becomes, and eventually your brain starts to register that this is actually safe, and, in fact, healthy. That it's beneficial, not just for you, but for the relationship too.
Setting a boundary and keeping it are two different skills
This is the part I think gets missed the most. Learning how to set a boundary is a skill. Learning how to keep it is a completely separate skill. And most of us were never taught either one.
You might set the boundary and feel like you just did something huge, because you did. Then comes the part where you have to maintain it, where you have to remind people of it and remind yourself of it too, and that can feel just as hard, if not harder. The thing that makes it easier over time is consistency, showing up for yourself again and again, and continuing to shift what you believe about what boundaries actually mean.
You also don't need to explain every boundary you set. It's okay to offer a reason if you want to, but watch the moment that reason turns into a justification, because you don't owe anyone a defense for taking care of yourself.
Save this for the next time you're feeling anxious about setting, or keeping, a boundary. If you want more of this, come find me on Instagram, @therosecoloredcouch.
The Rose Colored Couch is here to inspire, encourage reflection, and educate, but these posts aren't a substitute for therapy. My hope is to help you shift how you see yourself and your story. Take what resonates, leave what doesn't, and be gentle with yourself along the way.
